My children are one of the greatest gifts that God has given me. They have brought me endless joy and happiness. Lately though, I am also reminded of the heartache.
It something you try not to share with moms-to-be. Just like you to try not to share the realities of marriage with a soon to be bride. The unspoken. We all know it is there we just try to put it aside so we can enjoy the joy of a newborn or new marriage. Part of me wants to rush to the mom or bride-to-be screaming at the top of my lungs ‘Don’t do it!’
The heartache. As a mother it is beyond agony at times. Knowing that someone has hurt my children in any way is painful. Sometimes, as much as I would like, I can’t take the pain away from them, just try to help them through it.
The heartache. Some days I disappoint my children. I fall short of being the mom I want to be. As most moms, rationally I know my children are so much more forgiving toward me than I am towards myself but it still hurts me to know I disappointed them.
The heartache. I worry. What would happen if I died? Who would care for children like I do? How do you replace a mother’s love?
Last year, a classmate of my son’s, shot himself and died. It really hit close to home. Since then the questions to my son have been endless. ‘Are you OK?’ ‘Would you tell me if you weren’t?’ ‘Are your friends OK?’ ‘If not, will you promise me you will tell an adult?’ I am met with rolling eyes and ‘Mom, everything is fine – calm down.” I know he is also thinking ‘Do you know how to say manic?’
The mother of the young man who took his life has a blog http://jojowoodwrite.blogspot.com/2011_09_01_archive.html and a non-profit organization http://www.jplleague.org/ that she has set up in his name. I read her blog and feel her pain. Every post brings tears. I don’t know why I continue to read this blog. Maybe I am looking for answers that may help comfort me. Maybe I feel like if I share the pain it might be easier on her. Maybe I identify with her need that her child would not be forgotten, not have died in vain. Maybe I want to be reminded how precious life is.
I lean heavily on my faith in God. That my children are His children and ultimately, He will be there for them when I am not. Those doubts and fear are always there but I chose to not let them take over. I wake up everyday and strive to cherish every day, even the bad ones. I wake up every morning and strive to be the best mom I can. I chose love and even though it came with heartache it also came with incredible joy that I would not have known if I hadn’t loved. Life is good.
