Heartache

My children are one of the greatest gifts that God has given me.  They have brought me endless joy and happiness.  Lately though, I am also reminded of the heartache. 

It something you try not to share with moms-to-be.  Just like you to try not to share the realities of marriage with a soon to be bride.  The unspoken.  We all know it is there we just try to put it aside so we can enjoy the joy of a newborn or new marriage.  Part of me wants to rush to the mom or bride-to-be screaming at the top of my lungs ‘Don’t do it!’

The heartache.  As a mother it is beyond agony at times.  Knowing that someone has hurt my children in any way is painful.  Sometimes, as much as I would like, I can’t take the pain away from them, just try to help them through it.

The heartache. Some days I disappoint my children. I fall short of being the mom I want to be. As most moms, rationally I know my children are so much more forgiving toward me than I am towards myself but it still hurts me to know I disappointed them. 

The heartache. I worry.  What would happen if I died? Who would care for children like I do?  How do you replace a mother’s love?

Last year, a classmate of my son’s, shot himself and died.  It really hit close to home.  Since then the questions to my son have been endless.  ‘Are you OK?’  ‘Would you tell me if you weren’t?’  ‘Are your friends OK?’  ‘If not, will you promise me you will tell an adult?’  I am met with rolling eyes and ‘Mom, everything is fine – calm down.” I know he is also thinking ‘Do you know how to say manic?’

 

The mother of the young man who took his life has a blog http://jojowoodwrite.blogspot.com/2011_09_01_archive.html and a non-profit organization http://www.jplleague.org/ that she has set up in his name.  I read her blog and feel her pain.  Every post brings tears.  I don’t know why I continue to read this blog.  Maybe I am looking for answers that may help comfort me. Maybe I feel like if I share the pain it might be easier on her.  Maybe I identify with her need that her child would not be forgotten, not have died in vain. Maybe I want to be reminded how precious life is.

I lean heavily on my faith in God.  That my children are His children and ultimately, He will be there for them when I am not.  Those doubts and fear are always there but I chose to not let them take over.  I wake up everyday and strive to cherish every day, even the bad ones.  I wake up every morning and strive to be the best mom I can.  I chose love and even though it came with heartache it also came with incredible joy that I would not have known if I hadn’t loved.  Life is good.

The Rescuers – A True Mama Bear Story

Remember the Movie, The Rescuers, from the late 70s? It was about a couple of mice from ‘The Rescue Aid Society’ who find a message in a bottle and set out to save an orphan, Penny. Here is what Penny said when they found her:

Penny: Didn't you bring somebody big with you? Like the police?
Bernard: Uh, no. There's just, uh - the two of us.
Bianca: But if the three of us work together and we have a little faith...
Penny: That's what Rufus said: "Faith makes things turn out right."

Several weeks ago, my sister-in-law Sheilah noticed that one of her outdoor cats, who was pregnant, showed up one day and was not pregnant anymore. She searched for several days and finally found the kittens. The mother cat had the kittens in the 24 inch storm pipe that goes under their driveway.

There was a cold front and some rain coming in later that week so it was imperative to get the kittens out before the flash flooding occured. My brother Robert and her spent over 2 hours making the rescue. Sheilah had to crawl completely inside the pipe. Her feet were about 3 feet inside the pipe. He said 'It was scary for both of us but mostly for Sheilah'. When I asked if he got a picture he said ‘I was thinking that would have been a little rude if she was in the pipe and I said hold that pose.’

All three kittens and mama cat are safely residing in their garage. "Faith makes things turn out right."

Pepper, Steve and Giggles

All is Groovy

It’s been a rough week. Early this week, one of my son’s classmates died in a tragic accident. We all are forced to think about our own mortality when someone we know dies. When a child dies, it forces us to an even uglier place – the mortality of our children. It sucked the air out of my lungs. My heart ached. I felt as if someone was sitting on my chest. It is not a place I wanted to go and I retreated immediately.

My son did not know his classmate well but struggled with the concept that someone can be in your class one day and the next day he is not – he is gone. If someone is sick before they die at least you expect it, though it doesn’t make it easier. As adults that concept is hard enough to grasp and most of us have been there more than once in our lifetime. Can you imagine a child trying to process this for the first time?

Later in the week, my co-worker, who never gets sick, called out sick. That day he died at his home. Don’t know why. He was there one day and the next day he wasn't. So I started thinking.

The first time I remember hearing Simon and Garfunkel’s hit ‘Feelin Groovy’ was when Bob sang it on Sesame Street. It became a popular song on the show. The first line is ‘Slow down, you move too fast. You got to make the morning last.’ It’s about slowing down. It’s about taking the time to ‘watch your flowers growing’.

I think we all need to slow down. Take the time to enjoy the people we love. Take the time to notice what is happening in others’ lives. We all get so busy and involved in things that just don’t seem important.

Life happens and sometimes it takes awhile to recover. But in the end you have to pick yourself up, brush yourself off and carry on. Enjoy whatever time you have left. Which bring me to the last line in the song - ‘Life, I love you, all is groovy.’

I Wish I Were Peter Pan

Watching your children grow up is a very rewarding experience. They form their own personality and with your guidance become the people they were created to be. Along the way they will experience joy and sometimes hurt and disappointment. It is the hurt and disappointment part I have trouble with. I would rather take on any pain than watch one of my children hurt.

I know going through trials is God’s way of refining us. As adults we have all been through rough times in our lifetime. The thought we can spare our children that is not rational nor what is best for them. As I like to say, we are what we were. Our past shapes us and hopefully we overcome the bad parts.

Growing up I always wanted to be Peter Pan and never grow up. Most of my peers wanted to grow up faster than they should but not me. I saw what was coming. Now there are times I still wish I were Peter Pan. Then when my children are having a rough time, I could approach them like Peter Pan approached Wendy and say ‘Come with me where you'll never, never have to worry about grown up things again.’